peace.love.music.chik

Um, this is a really long rant. Maybe more for me than anyone else. So feel free to skip it.

I am in a rut. As we all know, I graduate in May. And the past few weeks, all I can think about is how I may have completely gone the wrong way through college. Every day I become a little more sure that I don't want anything to do with Psychology, and little less sure of what exactly I'm going to do in 7 months. There are so many things I want to do in life, and the idea of picking the "wrong" one scares the hell out of me. Why didn't I just major in Music or Theatre like I had always dreamed about? Why didn't I go for something I didn't know as much about but that I loved, like Writing or Art or Photography? Becaue I wanted a safety net? A safety net that I have come to regard as pretentious and cold? Some safety net. I believe in the power of 'therapy' or whatever you want to call it, but I think it is most genuine and effective when it comes from friends, family, yourself. I realize not everyone has those things at their resources - but I don't think an arrogant psychologist who only knows you as "client #246 with mild depression and PTSD", who charges you $100 a session that you don't have - this person won't be much help either. And the thing is, sure, I could be the exception to that stereotype - but I'm just realizing things about myself that I don't think make me the right person for it. I love to help people - but I'm starting to learn I have limits. I like to help people who truly need and want help, who aren't looking for attention but for someone to inspire them into finding themselves. People are different, and they don't need a diagnosis or label and a prescription to make them conform to society's standards. Sure there are people who are very ill and need help, but I guess the severe cases and the science part of it isn't what I'm into or passionate about.

We had a performance the other day by the Chiara String Quartet - 4 musicians trained at Juilliard. And the whole time all i could think was, "Why am I not fully pursuing music?" Being on stage again for our play last year made me remember how fulfilling acting is. Writing this summer and reading my pieces to my class made me remember how much I do love to write and elicit emotions from people with my words. Just messing around on piano and finding that missing piece to a song I'm writing can make me feel so accomplished. So much from the past couple of years has made me realize what is important to ME and what I really do love - music, theatre, photography, modern art, traveling, writing, hell even fashion. Maybe I'm more selfish now, in that I want to do something that will satisfy myself more. But I think it's better that I'm happy and doing something I love than maybe helping a few people while my heart isn't in it. I think music and theatre and art and all of that DO help people, just in a different way. Those are the things that helped me and continue to help me, and that have made me love life. So shouldn't my life be about those things? ABout putting myself into those things so that maybe someone else can find as much happiness in them as I did and still do?

As I write this out, I am only more sure that I just can't go on in Psychology. But now what? Do I just suck it up and get my degree in something I don't fully believe in? Or do I get a new major and stay in Undergrad for who knows how mnay more years even though I'm only 6 credits away from graduation? AHHHHHHHH. I think I should have done Study Abroad as a freshman....I would have had my shit figured out a lot earlier and saved myself a lot of torment and worry. I guess all things happen for a reason, right? I wouldn't take back my year in London for the world - it completely put me on track to finding myself and what I want from life - which is a lot. But at least I know now. If only this whole thing could have surfaced 3 years ago...

posted by Hae @ 12:57 PM