The Verdict.
So here it is.
I'm done with Psychology. Theoretically. I have not decided the specifics yet - if I'll finish my BA in it, or add another major or what. But I don't like it, I don't agree with it, I don't have a desire to be a "psychologist". Ever. And so, I will finish my last class in it next semester (because hell - a major is a major), and do something with my life that I love.
I'm going to grad school. I'm not sure what for, but here are my aspirations/thoughts:
music (performance, composition, or ethnomusicology)
theatre (performance - stage, film, television)
creative writing
photography
art history
I have checked out an Arizona school and I can theoretically get into the Master of Fine Arts program without a Bachelor's degree in any of those things. I just need to kick some ass on the GRE, find some stellar recommendations, and put together knock-you-dead portfolios/auditions/or 40 pages of prose or poetry. (Was that somewhat reminiscent of Legally Blonde? Oh Lord.) I am still checking into California, New York, and International schools, but this is my research thus far. You have no idea how freeing this decision has made me feel or how incredibly excited it has made me for the rest of life. It's as if it isn't scary anymore, because I know that no matter which of these things I choose, I can be happy. I will by no means give up ANY of these passions - they will always be parts of my life, this part is just deciding which one to emphasize formally - for now. :)
Holy shit. Am I really making decisions about my future? IS this me? Indecisive, fly by the seat of my pants Haley? I'm still planning to do the Peace Corps at some point - either right after grad school, or maybe during my mid-life crisis. Who knows. I love that! WHO KNOWS?!?! I don't need my life mapped out for me - that's quite boring and not me. But to eliminate something that doesn't make me happy is the most refreshing thing that has happened to me lately. :)
Wow this post makes me sound like a 5-yr-old. Maybe I should rethink that Creative Writing plan... Ha. ;)
Aight. Work to do.
Peace and love
Um, this is a really long rant. Maybe more for me than anyone else. So feel free to skip it.
I am in a rut. As we all know, I graduate in May. And the past few weeks, all I can think about is how I may have completely gone the wrong way through college. Every day I become a little more sure that I don't want anything to do with Psychology, and little less sure of what exactly I'm going to do in 7 months. There are so many things I want to do in life, and the idea of picking the "wrong" one scares the hell out of me. Why didn't I just major in Music or Theatre like I had always dreamed about? Why didn't I go for something I didn't know as much about but that I loved, like Writing or Art or Photography? Becaue I wanted a safety net? A safety net that I have come to regard as pretentious and cold? Some safety net. I believe in the power of 'therapy' or whatever you want to call it, but I think it is most genuine and effective when it comes from friends, family, yourself. I realize not everyone has those things at their resources - but I don't think an arrogant psychologist who only knows you as "client #246 with mild depression and PTSD", who charges you $100 a session that you don't have - this person won't be much help either. And the thing is, sure, I could be the exception to that stereotype - but I'm just realizing things about myself that I don't think make me the right person for it. I love to help people - but I'm starting to learn I have limits. I like to help people who truly need and want help, who aren't looking for attention but for someone to inspire them into finding themselves. People are different, and they don't need a diagnosis or label and a prescription to make them conform to society's standards. Sure there are people who are very ill and need help, but I guess the severe cases and the science part of it isn't what I'm into or passionate about.
We had a performance the other day by the Chiara String Quartet - 4 musicians trained at Juilliard. And the whole time all i could think was, "Why am I not fully pursuing music?" Being on stage again for our play last year made me remember how fulfilling acting is. Writing this summer and reading my pieces to my class made me remember how much I do love to write and elicit emotions from people with my words. Just messing around on piano and finding that missing piece to a song I'm writing can make me feel so accomplished. So much from the past couple of years has made me realize what is important to ME and what I really do love - music, theatre, photography, modern art, traveling, writing, hell even fashion. Maybe I'm more selfish now, in that I want to do something that will satisfy myself more. But I think it's better that I'm happy and doing something I love than maybe helping a few people while my heart isn't in it. I think music and theatre and art and all of that DO help people, just in a different way. Those are the things that helped me and continue to help me, and that have made me love life. So shouldn't my life be about those things? ABout putting myself into those things so that maybe someone else can find as much happiness in them as I did and still do?
As I write this out, I am only more sure that I just can't go on in Psychology. But now what? Do I just suck it up and get my degree in something I don't fully believe in? Or do I get a new major and stay in Undergrad for who knows how mnay more years even though I'm only 6 credits away from graduation? AHHHHHHHH. I think I should have done Study Abroad as a freshman....I would have had my shit figured out a lot earlier and saved myself a lot of torment and worry. I guess all things happen for a reason, right? I wouldn't take back my year in London for the world - it completely put me on track to finding myself and what I want from life - which is a lot. But at least I know now. If only this whole thing could have surfaced 3 years ago...
Laya and I decided to call "football" "shitball". Real football involves feet. Hence "foot"-ball. Yay for working a Husker game tomorrow...
Okay all you blogging wizzards. How do you get that fun little "listening to, reading, watching" sidebar? God I suck at this.
I have come to the conclusion that testing centers SUCK. So I went to the Arts and Sciences testing center today to take the dreaded Psych of Perception Midterm. I opt to take the Essay section first - while all that neuropsychology bullshit is still fresh in my mind. So Question 1. I spend a good amount of time writing out at least 6 paragraphs describing how I would test photoreceptors for dark adaptation and what it would tell me and what the graph would look like and what changing the wavelength would do and what changing the location of the test stimulus would do. Yada yada yada, right? (PS. that was not a Seinfeld reference. I hate Seinfeld and it should die.) So after I have revised my essay and checked for perfection, I click "next" to go to question 2. The screen says "Unable to connect to server." So I bring the proctor over and he pressed some buttons and logs me back in, saying my essay should still be there. It's not. Um, excuse me dear proctor, could you tell me where it went please? Proctor: "Whoa. Really? I don't know. Guess you'll have to rewrite it. Yeah, sorry." SCHEISSEKOPF!
Ok so rewrite Question 1. Make it to question 2. Click "grade" to submit it. The Proctor types in his password that I submitted it, and a new screen comes up. "You have no assignments to grade." WTF!>!?!?!?!? I finally, after masterful skills at holding tears back that are about to overflow, say eff it and complete the objective section. I ran into my prof and he said he'll try to recover the files if they didn't make it. Boo Testing Centers. Boo. Bring back the pencil and paper. Please.
On a happy note, my sister is awesome and sent me good CDs.
Happy Wednesday. RIght.
I was up for 22 hours yesterday...woohoo! Now i'm paying for it. Although I was tired out of my mind and on the verge of giving up my ticket for sleep - I went to a damn good show at Sokol last night with Schy and Danny. We saw Unwed Sailor (instrumental jam band - pretty amazing), Appleseed Cast (wowsa), and...Murder by Death. I saw MBD in London last year, but unbelievably - I think this show was better. They seemed more comfortable, and Sokol Underground is an amazing venue for really intimate shows. It was a much needed night of good music and good friends.
Speaking of London - I bought a ticket to go back for Fall Break! I'm so incredibly excited. I've been London homesick. I leave 3 weeks from tomorrow - is that possible? It doesn't seem real yet.
Alright. I need to get ready for work. Bummer.
Two trips to Walmart - and still Scrubs-less. Sad face.
it's friday! i have to work tomorrow - as with every saturday for the next 9 months most likely. i cleaned today. our apartment has a weird smell. what kind of smell you ask? i don't know...soap? i've got nothin.
Io sono molto stanca.
Blar blar blar.
First choir concert of the year. It was a 9/11 memorial concert - and it was ...rather interesting. First of all - the pieces chosen for the concert were quite poor and irrelevant. Second - I had some ... thoughts running through my head that can only be a product of driving myself crazy with work and such - literally. And last but NOT LEAST. Our concert was COMPLETE with an "interpretive dancer". I use the term INCREDIBLY loosely. If wearing heels and a knee length pencil skirt whilst rolling around on the ground and giving the audience a straight shot look up your skirt is considered art here - a little piece of my artsy heart has died.
On a good note - I accomplished three very important tasks today. 1) I validated my final class from London - meaning yes, I did do some work last year. 2) My scholarships were reinstated - meaning yes, I can pay for school and rent and food and loo roll again. 3) I finished season 6 of Sex and the City - meaning yes, I cried myself through half a box of tissues.
BEST happening of today: I purchased this.
Hooray new piano music.
I need outta this state. Stat. (That was for you Kristen). And in all reality - I need to go write a paper. Thoughts anyone? Relate the political/social happenings of Louis XIV's reign with the emergence of Fashion during his reign. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
admit it. you want my life.
i dusted for 5 hours today. in dressy clothes. inhaling dust into my newly-tonsilitis-free throat. and i'm pretty sure my mom used to pay me more than this.
um. so life is pretty much kicking my ass lately. boo.
down with work.
down with classes.
down with blackboard.
down with scholarships.
down with bitches that work in administration and secretarial positions.
(yay for the nice ones).
down with bills.
down with misdirection in life.
down with misinformation from authoritative figures.
down with graduate school story freakouts.
down with headaches.
down with walmart.
down with the rec.
down with moldy bread.
down with crowded refrigerators.
down with no cold water.
down with stingray wounds to the heart.
on a good note. i got ny voicemail back today. yay:)
sorry for the ranting.
3 Prescriptions, a day of rest, a long talk with Kissy, and a good laugh. I feel better.
